On The Run Again
by miarae
Summary: [COMPLETE] Sequel to Getting Experienced. What is Jess's big secret?
1. On The Run Again

A/N: This is the sequel to "Getting Experienced". If you haven't read it, here's a short summary:  
  
Rory has been going out with Dean for over a year when they finally decide to sleep together. Only problem is, he think she already has experience. So she turns to Jess who is willing to help *grin*. After her encounter with Jess she realizes her feelings for him but for a while both are too confused to act on it. But...just like in those sappy lovestories...all ends well. There are just some things Rory doesn't know about yet.  
  
A/N: OK...I guess you guys want answers :P Like JustMe said: It's a suspense, "what is the secret?", "what's hidden in Jess' past?", "what doesn't he know how to tell Rory?"  
  
Everyone wants answers to this questions now, and you WILL HAVE TO make a sequel.  
  
So yeah...here it is. I hope it's any good!  
  
A/N: I live in Holland so there's lots of Lit-ness on the show! Tonight, as a matter of fact! Yayy...my day is wonderful :D **well except for the fact that I'm sick right now**. Anywayzzz...read and review!  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. If something sounds familiar, it's probably cause you've seen it on the show. Some of the lines (about the winter carnival) are from the episode "That'll Do Pig".  
  
~~  
  
**FLASHBACK FROM GETTING EXPERIENCED**  
  
Jess slowly started to lead Rory to his bed, eventually falling on the blankets with Rory on top of him. He kissed her sweet mouth time and time again leaving her lips swollen and red. Then he slowly started to kiss her neck, licking and sucking her sensitive spots until she was moaning his name.  
  
He loved to hear it. His name never sounded sweeter than at those moments. It showed that she was his. Utterly and totally his. He knew she wanted to be with him.  
  
There was just one problem. His past. He knew that with every minute they spent together his past casted a bigger shadow over them. She didn't know. She was blissfully unaware of the things that were haunting his dreams...  
  
But he would have to tell her.  
  
Just not now.  
  
Later.  
  
He would.  
  
He promised himself that.  
  
Just...not now.  
  
Not when everything was so right.  
  
Later.  
  
~~  
  
On The Run Again  
  
~~  
  
Jess had been on the run since as long as he could remember. He got sent from New York to Stars Hollow, to get away from his problems. He thought he wouldn't have to run there anymore. But then a certain angel came by, and he went down hard. This girl made him want to be a better man, cliché as it may sound. Yet...he didn't want to spoil her innocence. He didn't want to put all his burdens on her fragile shoulders, cause he was scared it would be too heavy and she would run away.  
  
So he ran. Mentally, he always ran from her. Pretending to be busy, or to have drifted off, whenever the topic came back to his time in New York. He knew she had the right to know. But he couldn't tell her. He didn't want to ruin her image of him, one he knew was far too flattering to be true. She saw in him the man he should have been. Funny, smart, gentle whenever he was around her. Not the fucked up little brat he became in New York.  
  
His eyes had seen too much...his hands had done too much. He had done things he never, even in his wildest dreams, could have come up with. And he was scared. Scared that the only reason he changed was Stars Hollow. Scared that he would change back the moment he set foot in New York. But most of all...scared that she would leave him once she knew the truth.  
  
So he kept running.  
  
~~  
  
"Jess?"  
  
His body tensed. Something about the way she spoke his name made his alarmlights go off.  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
Rory forced him to look up at her, resulting in him shifting uncomfortably in his chair.  
  
"What?"  
  
He demanded to know.  
  
"I was just wondering..."  
  
She took a sip of her coffee and looked at him again.  
  
**Oh my god...here it comes...what am I gonna say?**  
  
"if you want to go to the Winter Carnival with me..."  
  
Huh? What? Come again? No Jess-how-where-you-back-in-New-York speech? No tell-me-about-your-past question? But the question if he wanted to go to the Winter Carnival with him...  
  
He couldn't do that. Well...yeah course he could. But he couldn't just give in like that. She would get suspicious.  
  
"I thought we could go and meet Lane there"  
  
"Nope..."  
  
"But...it'll be really fun. They'll have really bad games and really bad food and the marchingband will play and..."  
  
She looked at him pleadingly.  
  
"Come on...let's go to the carnival..."  
  
He sighed.  
  
"I don't go to these stupid townthings"  
  
"You went to the dancemarathon..."  
  
"That's when I was trying to get you...I now have you...that means I don't have to go anymore"  
  
"You're serious?"  
  
"As a heartattack"  
  
She sighed and let the subject rest for the time being. He grinned at her and kissed her. They both knew he would give in, but didn't know eachothers reasons. Fifteen minutes later she started again.  
  
"Please?"  
  
"Nope"  
  
"But it would make me really happy"  
  
"Is it that day again? Make-Rory-happy day?"  
  
"It's that day every day of the year"  
  
She smiled sweetly.  
  
"Damn...why did I chose a high-maintenance chick over Shane...what was I thinking..."  
  
He rolled his eyes and grinned.  
  
"Hey!"  
  
Rory playfully slapped his arm. Then she crawled onto his lap and put on her puppyface.  
  
"Please? Pretty pretty please?"  
  
She batted her eyelashes and put on her best pout.  
  
Jess sighed. He would give in now, and Rory would think it was because of the look. Well...the look was adorable but he could have easily said no. He just wanted to keep her happy. As long as her head was in the clouds she wouldn't see who he really was.  
  
"Okay...but just for an hour!"  
  
"You are the bestest boyfriend ever!"  
  
She hugged him and placed kisses all over his face. He smiled. Yeah...he was the "bestest" boyfriend ever. As long as she didn't know...  
  
A/N: didn't think I was gonna spill the beans right away did you :P I hope this was any good despite the fact that it didn't reveal Jess's big secret. The truth is...I still haven't figured out what I want that secret to be. Any help would be great! 


	2. What Are You Running From?

A/N: I'm dedicating this story to two of my "bestest" reviewers: coffeechick87 and smile1. You guys have reviewed like EVERY chapter I've ever written, and I'm so thankful for it! So this is for you guys!  
  
A/N: Also...for everybody who's reviewed both "Getting Experienced" and this one: thank you soooo much! I love you guys!!!  
  
A/N: This chapter is dedicated to SURF, who gave me the idea of using flashbacks  
  
A/N: Yeah...I'm almost done saying thanks...just another thank you for everybody who has given me ideas on what the big secret should be. I hope you won't be dissapointed!  
  
HAVE FUN READING THIS CHAPTER!!!  
  
~~  
  
They had only been at the Winter Carnival for about an hour when they bumped into Dean. Jess had been trying to avoid him, but unfortunately Clara had spotted Rory and dragged Dean over to them.  
  
While Clara was telling Rory about her horseback lessons Dean and Jess tried to have a civil conversation.  
  
At least...Jess was.  
  
"So...how long until you knock her up?"  
  
**FLASHBACK**  
  
"Jess...I think I might be pregnant"  
  
**FLASHFORWARD**  
  
"Why don't you just shut up alright? You're just jealous..."  
  
"Well if she wants to be with some hoodlum who probably used every kind of drug known to man it's her choice..."  
  
**FLASHBACK**  
  
"Mariano! You gotta try this man...it's amazing..."  
  
Jess looked up at the stuff his friend offered him. He felt dizzy, and the world was spinning. He could vaguely distinguish a needle from the blurry background and took it. He didn't even care what it was anymore. He'd try anything. Coke. Heroin. Speed. XTC. He had tried it all.  
  
**FLASHFORWARD**  
  
"Cat got your tongue?"  
  
Jess looked at him with a foul look in his eyes.  
  
"Just too good to waste time on bagboys like you..."  
  
He took Rory's arm and put his around her waist.  
  
"Let's go baby"  
  
Those flashbacks made his mind spin. Why did someone have this effect on him? Why did all those memories come back just now? Just when everything was perfect?  
  
~~  
  
He could still hear Deans voice in his ear.  
  
"She's nothing but a whore to you Mariano. I know how many girls you've had"  
  
He didn't. Dean really had no idea. If he had known how many girls Jess had slept with he would be shocked.  
  
Honestly...Jess didn't even know himself. He had had some girls...here and there. Some at home...almost passed out from drugs...some at a friends house...Some at a party... Most of the time he didn't even remember.  
  
There was one time he did remember though. He had been fucking drunk and there had been two gorgeous girls coming on to him. What was he supposed to do? He was just a guy after all. So that night he had had a threesome.  
  
~~  
  
Jess didn't regret all these things. They had been part of his life. He had become who he was by living that life. It belonged to him, like books and Rory belonged to him. But he knew Rory wouldn't understand. She wouldn't leave him cause of all this, but it would be hard for her to know that her boyfriend didn't fit the perfect image the town had in mind for her boyfriend. He knew he wasn't good enough for her. And telling her all these things would only make it worse.  
  
He sighed and fell back on his bed. He wished that was the only thing he needed to tell her about. He wished things were that simple. That all he had done was some stupid raves and drugs. And some girls.  
  
But it wasn't that simple. There was something far worse he needed to tell her. Something that would make her run away from him as far as she could. Something so bad even Luke wouldn't look at him anymore.  
  
Something, Taylor would say, "typically Jess". 


	3. Reminiscing

A/N: Everybody again thank you for your reviews! I hope this isn't too cliché for you...I'm trying to write the reason why Jess became the person he was in New York. Don't forget to review!  
  
A/N: contains scenes of abuse...if you're offended by this please do NOT read. It isn't absolutely necessary for the comprehension of the story. This chapter may also be a little weird...it's a total flashback...Jess is about seventeen and he's remembering things that happened in the past.  
  
A/N: The song is "I'm OK" by Christina Aguilera.  
  
~~  
  
Hurt me to see the pain across my mother's face  
  
Everytime my father's fist would put her in her place  
  
Hearing all the yelling, I would cry up in my room  
  
Hoping it would be over soon  
  
~~  
  
**FLASHBACK**  
  
"Angelo please don't!"  
  
Little Jess Mariano heard his mother scream when his fathers fist connected with her face. He curled up under his blankets and tried to block out the sounds. Books always made him forget the real world, but this time shouting pierced through his make believe world. This had been going on as long as he could remember.  
  
Years. It had been years. So long since Angelo Mariano had stopped living. Jess had had a sister, but she had been killed a year before he was born. Some drunk guy had hit her with his car and she had been dead right away. When Angelo found out he had gone crazy. He had taken matters into his own hand, punishing the man who was responsible for his angels death. That led to his discharge from the police force.  
  
**END**  
  
~~  
  
I often wonder why I carry all this guilt  
  
When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've  
  
built  
  
Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door  
  
The echo of a broken child screaming please no more  
  
~~  
  
Jess had been raised in a home full of fights and abuse. Even he couldn't escape his fathers anger. Jess should have been a replacement for his little girl, but he failed in every way. Every now and then his father would look at him with a foul look in his eyes, one that made him want to run away and hide. But he couldn't. There was nowhere to hide when Angelo Mariano was coming for you.  
  
When he was just a little boy he thought it was all his fault. He should have been a girl. He should have done this...said that...He tried to change but it only made his father angrier. Jess couldn't remember all the times he had cried, pleading his father to stop.  
  
As he grew older his feelings changed. This wasn't all his fault. He couldn't help being who he was. He tried to reason with his father, which only led to more abuse and screaming. At school they began to get suspicious of his bruises and started asking questions. So he did the easiest thing. He skipped school. Wandering for hours in New York, trying to find ways to end this misery.  
  
His first time had been when he was fifteen. He had been on his own, staring into the dark and minding his own business. Suddenly a girl had come up to him and asked him what his deal was. He replied that it was nothing of her fucking business what he was thinking about. She told him he looked like he could use some happiness in his life.  
  
**FLASHBACK**  
  
"Why do you care if I'm happy?!"  
  
She shrugged.  
  
"I just do"  
  
"I don't need a fuck to get happy..."  
  
She laughed. A pretty laugh that somehow warmed his heart.  
  
"I wasn't talking about a fuck"  
  
She opened her hand and showed him a rolled up ten dollar note. His eyes were big questionmarks when he looked up at her. She looked like she was showing him the holy grail and he drowned in her eyes. Could something this small really free him of all his worries?!  
  
**END**  
  
~~  
  
Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same  
  
I still remember how you kept me so afraid  
  
Strength is my mother, for all the love she gave  
  
Every morning that I wake, I look back at yesterday  
  
~~  
  
When he died they thought it would finally be over. It was ironic actually. Years ago it had all started with a drunk guy killing a girl and now it ended the same way...a drunk guy was on his way home when he crashed into a tree. Like his beloved daughter, Angelo Mariano was dead at once. His misery was over. He could finally see his beautiful child again.  
  
But for the people he left behind the nightmare continued. They couldn't forget all the things that had happened, all the cries their house had heard.  
  
~~  
  
It's not so easy to forget  
  
All the marks you left along her neck  
  
When I was thrown against cold stairs  
  
And everyday afraid to come home in fear of what I might  
  
see next  
  
~~  
  
So when everything that they wished for had happened they still had to suffer the consequences. Everytime a guy came too close Liz Mariano backed away. She tried to forget all the horrible things she had faced by working day and night. The little time she had left she tried to spend with Jess, but he seemed to distant himself from her as much as he could.  
  
~~  
  
He couldn't stand to be around her. When his mothers sad eyes fixed themselves on him he was instantly reminded of the beatings his dad used to give her. Coming home, smelling that distinct smell that reminded him of his father, it was just too much. He didn't want to remember. He wanted to be okay. So he continued his life. He kept using drugs, drinking alcohol, trying his best to drown his memories.  
  
~~  
  
It didn't always help. Sometimes his feelings were too real to be ignored. Like now.  
  
**FLASHBACK**  
  
"Dad please...please dad...I didn't do anything"  
  
Angelo Mariano pulled his fourteen year old son up by his hair.  
  
"You didn't do anything?"  
  
His voice sounded harsh, and Jess tried to dissapear by closing his eyes. Course, he knew it wouldn't work but it made him feel safer, not having to see the look on his fathers face.  
  
"You little liar!"  
  
His cheek went red before he even felt the pain. Tears stinged in his eyes, but he refused to cry. It had been years since he cried. This silent act of refusal only made Angelo Mariano more furious. He kept hitting and kicking his son until blood poured over his face and his body was covered in bruises. Then he finally dropped him on the floor.  
  
"That should teach you not to lie to me..."  
  
Jess huddled up in a corner of his room and wished he could die.  
  
**END**  
  
Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same  
  
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid... 


	4. Rory

A/N: Thank you again for the reviews!  
  
Brigneti: You're totally right! I didn't quite remember from which story it was...but somehow  
I had gotten the idea that Jess's dad was a cop named Angelo. I  
haven't been  
watching Gilmore Girls for so long so I didn't know if it was  
true. I just went with  
it.  
  
So everybody: the idea of Jess's father being called Angelo wasn't my idea, it was Tinuviel Henneths. I hope it's alright that I'm borrowing it, but he isn't a very important character in the story so I think it won't be much of a problem.  
  
A/N have fun reading and don't forget to review!  
  
~~  
  
I am a bad girlfriend.  
  
Really really bad.  
  
I made him yell at me. So loud the whole diner fell silent. And we weren't even inside the diner. We were upstairs. In his bedroom. We had been reading and suddenly...  
  
~~  
  
**FLASHBACK**  
  
"Jess?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Tell me about your past..."  
  
**END**  
  
~~  
  
Okay okay...it was kinda sudden. But I had been thinking about it for a while now. Whenever we were together it seemed like he was holding up his guard. We never shared comfortable silences anymore. He always seemed to distant himself from me...and I wanted to be with him. In every sense of the way. I wanted to know all the things that whirled around in his head. Every thought and action he had ever had and done.  
  
~~  
  
**FLASHBACK**  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I just want to know..."  
  
Jess stood up from his bed and put his book in his backpocket.  
  
"Nope..."  
  
"Nope what? Nope you won't tell me or nope I don't wanna know?"  
  
"Both"  
  
**END**  
  
~~  
  
I tried to make a joke out of it. And failed miserably.  
  
~~  
  
**FLASHBACK**  
  
"In that cause it would be nope nope"  
  
"Then nope nope it is"  
  
"Jess please"  
  
"No Rory. I said no"  
  
**END**  
  
~~  
  
From there it just went downhill. I started yelling, he started yelling until we were both trying to yell as hard as possible. Luke stormed upstairs...banging on the door trying to shut us up. We didn't even listen. I yelled at him how he never talked to me and he yelled back that maybe it was because I was such a bad girlfriend.  
  
~~  
  
I started crying and ran.  
  
~~  
  
So now I'm here. In my room. Thinking about what he said. Was he right? Was it my fault that he couldn't tell me? Maybe it was. Maybe I really was that lousy girlfriend he said I was.  
  
I change into my favourite sweatshirt and fall down on my bed. Tears are still stinging in my eyes. I'm thinking about my options now. If I'm really as bad as he says I am then maybe I'm no good for him. Maybe we need to break up so he can get a girlfriend who's able to open him up.  
  
I keep thinking about it all night. Crying, and thinking, and wishing he would call which -ofcourse- he never does. I finally fall asleep, welcoming a dreamless nothing in which I no longer have to think.  
  
A/N: Sorry it was so short. And sorry it sucked. Cause it did. But I didn't know how to write...I hope the next chapter will be better...It should probably be up in a few days, my tests are almost over. Please review! 


	5. Running From The Inevitable

A/N: I won't be able to update for a while cause tomorrow my wrist will be operated...so I'm updating now eventhough I'm not really sure if I like this chapter.  
  
A/N: Please review! I want at least 5 reviews! I only got 3 for the last one :(  
  
~~  
  
I feel so guilty. For doing this. I had no right to yell like that. Saying she was a bad girlfriend. I hope she doesn't believe it. If there's anything Rory isn't...it's a bad girlfriend.  
  
I am just so scared that when she'll find out she'll run away. And I don't think I can stand that.  
  
~~  
  
Sometimes I think I'm overreacting. That maybe when she hears she won't be so shocked. That maybe...just maybe there is this tiny little chance that we'll end up together. But I know that chance is small. So I tried to postpone the moment of truth.  
  
~~  
  
But now she asked.  
  
So now I'll have to tell her.  
  
About my...sins.  
  
My past.  
  
About that nameless guy that died.  
  
Cause of me.  
  
~~  
  
Just thinking about it makes me sad. Sad and angry. Angry at my dad who made me do this. Angry at that girl who offered me drugs the first time. Angry at things that make me remember those days all too vivid.  
  
I try to tell myself that it isn't my fault. That I was just the victim of circumstances. That I didn't know...  
  
But I'm lying to myself. I did know. I knew ratpoison could kill you and I still sold it as drugs to have more drugs for my own need. Ofcourse I didn't mean to kill him but it did. I killed a nameless homeless guy. Brown hair. Blue eyes. A beard. I still see him in my mind. I try to tell myself it didn't change me but it did. I thought I couldn't sink lower but I did.  
  
I didn't think I could dissapoint myself anymore. But I did.  
  
~~  
  
That's a good thing right? I feel guilty over causing his death so that makes it alright again doesn't it?  
  
~~  
  
The truth is it doesn't. I knew what I was doing when I was doing it. But back then I didn't care. I needed drugs and if I couldn't get it the normal way I would have to get it another way. So I did and it killed a guy. A father. He wasn't just a drugaddict but he was a father too. Twins. Two little girls who had to miss their daddy cause I was too much of a junkie to stay away from drugs.  
  
~~  
  
I know I have to call her. Tell her everything and wait for her verdict. I'm just so scared. That she won't be able to forgive me. And I can live with myself. Not forgiving myself is one thing, but having a second person not able to forgive you is something completely different. I don't think I can handle that. I can't handle seeing her eyes getting lifeless...realizing who I really am and being dissapointed in me.  
  
She makes me want to be the best I can. For her I'd do anything. I go to school...have a job...everything for her. I don't think I can live with the thought that I dissapoint her.  
  
So I know I have to call her. But I can't.  
  
A/N: Sorry! Short I know! But it's either this or no update for at least three weeks...please review! 


	6. Dear Rory

A/N: Sorry it took so long to update but my wrist still hurts. By the way I'm (still) depressed...which usually means my chapters are a bit darker...but since this is already partly a dark story it should be okay...  
  
A/N: I did the Italic thing according to ff.net but when I try to see if it works I get all kinds of weird signs... Can anybody tell me how you guys get the whole bold/italic thing working?!  
  
A/N: Please review! It makes me happier!  
  
**Jess's POV**  
  
Dear Rory  
  
My fingers were hovering above my keyboard. I never was good with words. I knew I couldn't talk to her...couldn't stand to see the dissapointment in her eyes when she would realize I wasn't saveable. So I weighed out my other options and finally decided to write her a letter. I even thought of buying her a necklace along with it, but it would seem like bribery. I didn't want to beg her to stay with me. I didn't want to be some charitycase. I didn't need saving.  
  
There's a reason behind the way I react. I'm not just some hoodlum  
treating you like crap just cause I can.  
  
I tried to think of a way to tell her everything without her running away from me. I could make a story out of it. I knew she loved reading books. Course she would see right through my attempt at writing an "if" story but I could try right?  
  
What if I killed a man Rory?  
Would you still love me?  
Would you still think of me as a good guy?  
  
I leaned back in my chair and lit a cigarette. I hadn't smoked in ages...but sometimes the pressure would get too big. Especially lately, since everytime I was with her I had to think about my past and how it would affect me.  
  
Would it change anything if I said I was sorry? If I said that I  
regretted it? Would that change everything if you knew that I  
deliberately risked someone's life? Does it even matter that I regret  
it?  
  
I knew it would matter to her. She would be glad I regretted it, but she wouldn't be able to understand why I had come to that decision. Why back then I hadn't cared if anyone lived or died.  
  
I'm not a bad guy. At least...I don't think of myself as a bad guy. Or  
a murderer for that matter. Yes I know a guy died because of me...but  
it wasn't really me. I was different back then.  
  
The cigarette had burned up while I was staring at my computerscreen. That damn cursor was blinking like it was laughing at me. It seemed to provoke me.  
  
`Come on Mariano` it seemed to say `do it...make your girlfriend hate you...you're so weak...a year ago you wouldn't have told anybody if they threatened to kill you...and now you're admitting everything for a girl...cause you were so stupid to fall in love with her...`  
  
Thoughts were whirling around in my head.  
  
**just go away...you're good at running...run once more...one final  
time and you'll never have to look back again**  
  
**no I can't do it...I love Rory...**  
  
**screw Rory...if she makes me go through this she doesn't care about  
me**  
  
**She's not making me go through it...I want to tell her**  
  
But...do I? Do I want to tell her everything? Would I have done it if she hadn't asked me?  
  
**No you wouldn't have. You damn well know that Mariano. You're a  
screwup...why won't you admit it? You'll never be able to save this  
relationship**  
  
**So I should just destroy her life without giving her a reason?**  
  
I knew I couldn't do that either. I had dissapeared once...for a couple of days...just cause I was fed up with my whole life. When I came back she looked so sad. That was the thing about her...she always took things personally. Whenever we argued she looked at me with those big blue eyes that told me that whatever she had done to make me angry...she was sorry for it. When most of the time it was just me being an ass.  
  
You know...the downside of falling for you is that it makes me  
vulnerable. In the old days I just would have packed up and leave.  
Whenever things would get too personal I'd run. But I can't now. Cause  
I love you. Cause whatever hell you'll put me through when you get  
this letter...it can't be worse than losing you.  
  
I lit another cigarette and this time I managed to inhale twice before drifting off again. Some ash fell on my hand but I didn't even feel it. Uncle Luke was calling for me from downstairs but it didn't register.  
  
My dad died when I was sixteen. I hope you don't make a sad face and  
feel sorry for me, cause frankly I couldn't care less. I just wish he  
had died a lot of years earlier. Before everything started to get out  
of hand.  
  
When I thought back about those days my head used to start spinning. Memories tumbled over eachother in my head...trying to get my attention...memories of my mother screaming...my father yelling and hitting. When I was little I used to think my dad was one of those monsters mommy's used to scare their little kids with. Later on I realized that monsters weren't real. My dad was. And that was even worse.  
  
There is a thing worse than evil people. Indifferent people. I'm sure people must have heard my mother crying...my own muffled screams when my dad decided to use the belt. But they never called the police...they just averted their gaze whenever we were walking down the street.  
  
He used to hit me. I can't remember a single happy day in my  
life...only the day he died. We were finally free...but by then, both  
my mom and me had become too scarred to pick up the pieces.  
  
I'm sure you understand that I wanted out...that I couldn't just let  
my father destroy my life. The only sad thing about it is that I  
managed to do it myself. What seemed a good idea back then only lead  
to more suffering. It made me lose everything I still had left, even  
if it wasn't much. And now...when I'm finally back on track, I'm  
scared that it will still have the power to destroy. I wanted to  
destroy my past but instead I sold my future.  
  
Luke had finally managed to break down the door and stormed in. He made me work the nightshift cause I hadn't showed up for my afternoonshift. Instead of `hanging around` like he called it he would teach me some principles. Screw the principles. It's not like I hadn't had anything important to do.  
  
"I'm going out"  
  
"Huh"  
  
I wiped the counter and waited for him to leave. Instead he lingered at the door, waiting for me to ask him what was wrong.  
  
"Go on...ask..."  
  
"I wasn't...I didn't..."  
  
I smirked at his uncomfortable situation. It was so obvious he had wanted to ask something...and yet he was still baffled that I figured it out.  
  
He picked up his baseballcap and put it on his head. Only to remove it two seconds later so he could root through his hair.  
  
"I was just wondering..."  
  
He tried to make his voice sound casual.  
  
"If you were planning to make things up with Rory anytime soon..."  
  
I looked at him with what I hoped was my most distant face.  
  
"I thought we had an agreement...I work hard in school and you don't pry in my social life..."  
  
He sighed, put his baseballcap back on and left without saying another word. As soon as he had left I closed the diner and went back upstairs. So what if people wanted food? I wanted to finish this letter before I would lose the courage to finish it at all.  
  
I'm not sure you'd agree with me if I said what I did was the best way  
out. At the time it seemed like it was. When that girl sat next to me  
and showed me a folded up ten dollar note I thought she was an angel  
sent from heaven. In her eyes I could see the happiness I was looking  
for. So when she offered me drugs...I took them.  
  
I don't think I have to tell you that things got out of hand. I don't  
know...maybe I even wanted them to get out of hand. I did stupid  
things...broke into stores...sold drugs...I guess part of me wanted  
the police to catch me...so they would see how my father really was.  
Even if they couldn't see the hurt he made me feel they would be able  
to see a screwed up son...a failure.  
  
Cause that's what my dad used to call me. A failure. I was everything  
he didn't want me to be. I don't know how long it took me to start  
believing that I was indeed a failure. I realized I had really become  
a failure when he died. When he died and I couldn't find the way back.  
  
I stared at the ceiling for a while. I even went downstairs and opened up the diner for a while. What more did I have to tell her? Did I really have to tell her that because of me a guy got killed? Wasn't this enough to process in one letter?  
  
But I knew I had to keep writing. If not for her then for myself. Somehow it cleared the air a bit. And I knew that if I didn't send this letter to her tonight I never would. So after my shift I reached my bedroom again...more dead than living this time. I fell down in my chair and reread the letter. It was open...honest...something I hadn't been in a long time. And it felt good. Scary...but good.  
  
I had been dealing for quite a while. I was kind of dissapointed  
actually. I always thought it would be tricky but it wasn't. Or maybe  
it was because I was Angelo Mariano's son that they cut me some slack.  
Cause every boy does fucked up things when his father dies. Right? At  
least that's what they thought.  
  
The only problem I had was keeping my hands off the drugs. I had  
become addicted to it, and staying away from it was harder than I  
wanted it to be. I made good money with the drugs...but somehow it  
wasn't enough. I started to use more and more...and one day I found  
myself thinking about a way to get more drugs.  
  
It was then that I came up with that brilliant idea. At least...back  
then it was brilliant. I would just replace some of the drugs with  
ratpoison. I would sell the drugs along with the poison to other  
dealers, so nobody would be able to trace it back to me. And I'd have  
more drugs.  
  
I bought a couple of cans...planning to do this a couple of  
times...and I promised myself I would stop using after every sniff I  
took. But it was so easy. So tempting just to keep on going.  
  
The first time I did it nothing happened. I mean...nobody died. That  
happened the second time though. I had been sleeping in the  
park...under a newspaper...I never slept at home anymore. Somehow that  
morning I decided to read the newspaper.  
  
JUNKIE KILLED  
  
THIS MORNING, IN AN ALLEY NEAR 54TH STREET A JUNKIE WAS FOUND DEAD.  
DOCTORS FOUND OUT THE CAUSE OF HIS DEATH WAS AN OVERDOSE OF RATPOISON.  
  
I was scared Rory. Scared that somehow they'd trace it back to me.  
Scared cause I should feel different...but I didn't. I didn't care  
about that guy. Not even when I read that he had two kids. Rather him  
than me. And then I realized...  
  
I had become someone I despised. Someone that reminded me like my  
father...I was doing the same thing. Okay so maybe I wasn't beating  
people up, but I didn't care about others as long as I was happy.  
  
I don't know if you want to know everything that happened afterwards.  
In summary...I had a tearful conversation with my mother...I went to  
rehab...and after that I got sent to uncle Luke and met you. You make  
my life so wonderful. I know I'm not good with words, so I'd like to  
finish this letter with a song, that describes the way I feel about  
you. Remember, that even when you decide to break up with me after  
this, the way I feel about you won't change.  
  
~~**~~  
  
The words have been drained from this pencil  
  
Sweet words that I want to give you  
  
And I can't sleep..I need to tell you...goodnight  
  
When we're together I feel perfect  
  
When I'm pulled away from you I fall apart  
  
All you say is sacred to me  
  
Your eyes are so blue, I can't look away as we lay in the stillness  
  
You whisper to me, marry me, promise you'll stay with me  
  
Oh you don't have to ask me, you know you're all that I live for  
  
You know I'd die just to hold you, stay with you  
  
Somehow I'll show you that you are my night sky  
  
I've always been right behind you  
  
Now I'll always be right beside you  
  
So many nights, I've cried myself to sleep  
  
Now that you love me, I love myself  
  
I never thought I would say that  
  
I never thought there'd be you  
  
~~**~~  
  
I love you Rory.  
  
Jess.  
  
~~**~~  
  
A/N: So what did you think of it?! I personally really liked this...:$  
  
A/N: Do you think this song fitted? I had to choose between two songs...the other one was Don't Kill Me Tonight by Di-Rect...I've put it up here too so you can tell me in your review which one you liked best.  
  
DON'T KILL ME TONIGHT – DI-RECT  
  
When I'm on the loose  
  
It is you who's shining through and through again  
  
Whenever the rain comes down, the sun turns gray  
  
When I needed you, you were always there  
  
When it comes to you, really nothing can compare  
  
You feel what I feel, know what I know  
  
Even through the darkest night  
  
You'll see what I see  
  
There's a reason to believe in you and me  
  
I would die if you left me  
  
Drowning in sorrow  
  
Baby don't kill me tonight  
  
Would you hold on to me, girl?  
  
And love me tomorrow  
  
When I'm feeling blue  
  
It is you who's reaching out for me again  
  
Whenever I need your wings to fly away  
  
You feel what I feel, hear what I hear  
  
Even through the darkest night  
  
You'll sleep when I sleep  
  
There's a reason to believe in faith cause  
  
Heaven sent me you  
  
I would die if you left me  
  
Drowning in sorrow  
  
Baby don't kill me tonight  
  
Would you hold on to me, girl?  
  
And love me tomorrow  
  
Love me tomorrow again  
  
So if you need me, I will be near  
  
Another thousand miles, I will be there  
  
I will hear you, I will see through  
  
Even through the darkness I'll be true  
  
I would die if you left me  
  
Drowning in sorrow  
  
Baby don't kill me tonight  
  
And so I wrote you these words down  
  
For you to remember  
  
For you to remember why  
  
I love you 


	7. So Much Feelings

A/N: Sorry it took me so long to update but I was superbusy with school and everything. Plus I had zero idea about this chapter!  
  
~~**~~  
  
The words have been drained from this pencil  
  
Sweet words that I want to give you  
  
And I can't sleep..I need to tell you...goodnight  
  
When we're together I feel perfect  
  
When I'm pulled away from you I fall apart  
  
All you say is sacred to me  
  
Your eyes are so blue, I can't look away as we lay in the stillness  
  
You whisper to me, marry me, promise you'll stay with me  
  
Oh you don't have to ask me, you know you're all that I live for  
  
You know I'd die just to hold you, stay with you  
  
Somehow I'll show you that you are my night sky  
  
I've always been right behind you  
  
Now I'll always be right beside you  
  
So many nights, I've cried myself to sleep  
  
Now that you love me, I love myself  
  
I never thought I would say that  
  
I never thought there'd be you  
  
~~**~~  
  
**RORY'S POV**  
  
I read the song and smiled. If I hadn't been so shocked about everything I probably would have stayed on my bed, rereading the letter time after time just to see those three words written at the bottom. He loved me. We had both said it before, but this time I really felt it. He loved me. A lot.  
  
I knew he wanted to run away. I could feel the honesty behind his words. He was willing to suffer losing me, willing to go through hell, all cause he didn't want to hurt me.  
  
And I loved him back. I loved him like I could never love Dean. It was overwhelming...every second of the day every fiber of my being screamed for Jess. For his touch...his kiss...sometimes just his eyes.  
  
I was so happy to be with him.  
  
So how could I let him go?  
  
~~**~~  
  
**GENERAL POV**  
  
COFFEELVR: Hey Jess...are you there?  
  
BADBOY: Rory?  
  
COFFEELVR: I hope you don't mind...but I rather talk to you like this than in person right now...  
  
Jess sighed. He had been waiting for this since he posted the letter, late last night. He had felt like a burglar, sneaking out of the diner through his window, keeping hidden in the dark places so no one saw him. He knew she was going to break up with him. He just knew.  
  
His heart screamed to try and convince her not to let him go. To tell her he needed her, needed her sanity and her honesty to hold on. He wanted to admit that he was scared of going back to the person he used to be. A drugaddict. Someone who didn't care about other people. He wanted to tell Rory that she made him feel. Alive. Like a good person. She had changed him. She had made him vulnerable and she had made him care about other people.  
  
Rory.  
  
Luke.  
  
Lorelai.  
  
In their own crazy way they all believed he could be saved. They trusted him, believing he would never go back to New York. Believing he would never hurt or betray them.  
  
But he couldn't.  
  
He couldn't tell her all that.  
  
So he just stared at his computerscreen and waited.  
  
~~**~~  
  
COFFEELVR: Jess are you still there?  
  
COFFEELVR: Or are you mad at me now for not seeing you in person?  
  
BADBOY: Mad? At you? Baby no...never...  
  
He had written those words and pressed enter before realizing he had called her baby. She had been typing as well, and his message appeared onscreen just two seconds before hers.  
  
COFFEELVR: Cause I just can't...  
  
His fingers pressed on the keyboard, typing things before he realized what he was asking.  
  
BADBOY: Just...if you're going to break up with me...if that's why you can't face me...just do it now.  
  
She stayed silent for over two minutes, before suddenly signing off. Jess sighed and fell down on his bed.  
  
**guess that was all the answer I needed to know**  
  
He tried to feel good, tried not to break down and cry. He cared so much about her, and losing her cause of something that happened before they had even met felt even more terrible than he would have imagined. This was payback. It was life being a bitch, making him suffer for not caring enough about other people to let them live.  
  
~~**~~  
  
Jess had hidden his head under the pillow, blocking out all sounds. His stereo was blasting the song he had confessed his feelings in so hard that he drowned in the words. There was no other sound than the voice of the singer confessing her love for some man. He wondered if Rory felt the same way about him.  
  
So many nights, I've cried myself to sleep  
  
Now that you love me, I love myself  
  
I never thought I would say that  
  
I never thought there'd be you  
  
No. Probably not. She had loved Dean. She had had other people surrounding her all her life. Making her feel like the special girl she was. His love probably didn't mean as much to her cause she was used to people making her feel this way. Unlike him. She made him feel so special, with just her smile or a flickering in her eyes.  
  
One out of thousands in the world,  
  
Became one heart in me.  
  
And if you ever leave me,  
  
I hope I'll never wake up.  
  
Sweetheart,  
  
My sweetheart.  
  
Sweetheart.  
  
He listened to the lyrics, knowing that they were just what he meant. Hoping that she would still love him, despite his faults. Despite all the things he had done before he had met her. He wished he could show her that he never would have done things like that if he had met her before. She would have been able to save him from everything.  
  
Oh, oh, oh,  
  
It's a crazy world,  
  
Everything changes but our love forever stays.  
  
Oh, oh, oh,  
  
It's a crazy world.  
  
He just hoped it was.  
  
~~**~~  
  
A/N: Sorry if it was short! And sorry if it sucked! Next update probably will be after 16th of April (I have my last test that day) 


	8. The End

A/N: Sorry it took me ages to update, I wasn't really in the mood to write.  
  
A/N: This is the end of this story!!! Please review!!!

* * *

  
  
BADBOY: Just...if you're going to break up with me...if that's why you can't face me...just do it now.  
  
COFFEELVR has signed off

* * *

  
  
Jess was still on his bed, reminiscing about everything life had offered him when he had moved to Stars Hollow. It was a second chance, or at least that was what he had expected it to be, until things had started to get out of hand and Rory had broken up with him.  
  
Now he saw it as life giving him the payback he undoubtedly deserved. He just wished it wouldn't have been Rory. Everything else he could have handled, but the idea of dragging Rory with him in his world of failure and misery made him depressed.  
  
He never meant to destroy her innocence, but maybe that had been unavoidable ever since she knew him. No matter how much he tried to keep her at a distance, she always managed to pry into his life and past.  
  
There was no doubt in his mind that he loved her, but maybe that love wasn't enough. Maybe he finally needed to face the truth and set her free.  
  
A plan started to form in his head, but before he could finalize it someone burst through the door.  
  
"No"  
  
He looked at her, a sad yet peaceful look in his eyes.  
  
"No?"  
  
She shook her head and sat down next to him. Her hair was all tousled, probably from the wind playing with it as she had made her way to the diner. Her cheeks were red from the cold and her eyes were piercing right through his very being, down to his soul. It pained him to see her like this. He had always thought of her as his guardian angel, and right now she fitted that description more than ever.  
  
Why now, when he had finally realized their inevitable future? He wanted to back out, change his mind again and follow his heart, not caring about the future he would thus create.  
  
She obviously thought he needed more convincing of the fact that she wasn't breaking up with him and leaned in to kiss him.  
  
Jess knew that when their lips would meet he would drift off into a peaceful daze in which his thoughts and doubts wouldn't seem to matter anymore. Part of him yearned for this, for the simple pleasure that created a false sense of belonging. Belonging here, in this world, with her.  
  
He no longer saw her as his guardian angel. She was an angel, of that there was no doubt in his mind, but she wasn't here to save him. She wasn't his.  
  
She could bem but her wings would fall off and she would be forced to face the world of mortal men, filled with anger, sorrow and despair. And he couldn't be the one to do this to her. For once he was determined to be HER guardian angel, to watch over her and protect her innocence.  
  
"Rory...I'm sorry"  
  
"I know baby...I know...but it's okay...we'll get through this...as long as we do it together"  
  
He shook his head. She didn't understand.  
  
"No...not about that"  
  
"You're not sorry about killing a guy?"  
  
She was giving him an easy way out. All he had to do was telling her he couldn't care less, pretending that he was really this heartless, and the loving look in her eyes would turn into one of horror. But he wanted her to understand. He wanted to break her heart as gently as possible.  
  
When he wanted to speak she beat him in a sudden rush of understanding.  
  
"You're leaving? Leaving me? Why?"  
  
He sat up straight and fought the urge to wipe the tears that were starting to form in her eyes.  
  
"Not leaving you...but leaving...yeah..."  
  
"What's the difference?"  
  
He didn't have an answer to that. In a way he was indeed leaving because of her and in a way he wasn't. It wasn't like she had done something wrong, if anything it was because she had done everything just right.  
  
"You're out of my league Rory...I don't deserve you"  
  
"That's fucking bullshit!"  
  
Hearing her utter a curse was like being struck by lightning. Even when they fought she had always constrained herself . He was wondering if she had ever been this mad.  
  
"Please don't hate me Rory...please...I'm doing this for you"  
  
Tears spilled over her cheeks and her voice sounded sad and soft, a perfect contrast with how furious she had sounded only seconds ago.  
  
"For me? You think you can make me happy by leaving?"  
  
She tried to take his hand, but he shut himself off, knowing that if he ddin't do it now he probably wouldn't have the courage later on.  
  
His voice was calm, so unlike the shaky and insecure person he felt shining through. He tried not to show his feelings too much, knowing that it would both hurt her and make it easier.  
  
"In the long run...yes"  
  
His heart wanted to yell that he didn't give a fuck about the future, that he would stay if she asked him to and that somehow, some way, they would defy their fate.  
  
But for once in his life Jess Mariano did something that wasn't entirely egocentric. He left.

* * *

  
  
A/N: That was it! The end of this story! I want to thank everybody for sticking with me and my stupid cliffhangers all the time! And if you want to read more Literati's, I wrote one (partially with Smile1) called Submission! Check it out! 


End file.
